The Joke Thread

[Gumboot]

Did you know you can't write an odd number without using the letter E...














Thank me later

Speaking of digits, our fingers don't contain any muscles.

[Insane_Homer]

Did you know you can't write an odd number without using the letter E...

Cinco

[laurent]

Did you know you can't write an odd number without using the letter E...

Cinco

un
Trois
cinq

[Punter15]

Did you know you can't write an odd number without using the letter E...

Cinco

un
Trois
cinq

'an odd number'

[notfatcat]

Odd numbr

[Flockwitt]

nzddr

[Enzedder]

nzddr

.................... /´¯/)
..................../¯.. /
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯.)
.........\.................'...../
..........'\'...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
..............\............

[FalseBayFC]

Those of you who listened to the wireless in 1981 will appreciate this one.

[Enzedder]

At the local Hospital :
Doctor, “What is this?"
Me “This is a book that I’ve written, it’s got 500 pages."
Doctor, “You wrote 500 pages. What did you write about then?” Me, On the first page I wrote “One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.
And on the last page I wrote The King reached the Jungle."
Doctor, “So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Me, “I wrote,
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik...

Doctor, (stunned) "AND what's all that????!!!!!"
Me, “That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?"
“I will post it on my NPR Joke page ! My mad friends there will definitely read it...they're all idiots, in fact one of them is reading it even as I speak!”

[PCPhil]

No, it’s a good joke. Tell it some builders on a site next time you pass one. But don’t skimp on the details now.

[Niegs]

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a bird and is immediately captivated by a beautiful parrot that's listed at just $50. She turns to the shopkeeper and exclaims: "I just LOVE this beautiful bird! But why so cheap?"

"Ma'am, I have to warn you; this parrot used to live in a brothel so it's 'learned' a thing or two, if you catch my meaning."

"Oh, that doesn't bother me," she replies. "I'll take him!"

The woman takes her new pet home upon entering, the parrot chirps up, "SQUAWK! New madam, nice place!" She was a bit put off at the implication, but figured it might just be temporary until he gets comfortable with her family.

Just then, her two lovely daughters walk in and the bird speaks up again, "SQUAWK! New madam, new girls, nice place!" The girls laughed as their mother explained the bird's sordid previous situation.

Just then her husband came home. The bird bounced on his perch as the man walked through the front door. "SQUAWK! Hi, Keith!"

[Oh fuck, it's Keith.]

What a fucking scumbag that parrot was

[Enzedder]

Was? Did you top it?

[GogLais]

What a fucking scumbag that parrot was

Have we had Barry Cryer's parrot in the freezer joke?

[Oh fuck, it's Keith.]

Was? Did you top it?

I told it that toucan play at that game and sold it on. Cheep.

[Botha Boy]

What a fucking scumbag that parrot was

Have we had Barry Cryer's parrot in the freezer joke?

A man owns a parrot that can't stop swearing.
So he says to him, 'If you don't stop swearing, I'll put you in the fridge.'
The parrot keeps on swearing. So he puts it in the fridge.

Five minutes later, he takes the parrot out of the fridge, and says to it, 'Are you going to stop swearing?'
'Yes,' says the parrot. 'But what did that chicken do?'

RIP Barry Cryer

[Happyhooker]

The archbishop of Canterbury one does me every time.

On phone, so can't be arsed to type it out

[GogLais]

Husband and wife walking down the street
W - that looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury
H - he does indeed
W - go and ask him them
Does so and comes back
W - well is it him?
H - he told me to fuck off
W - oh that's a shame, we'll never know now

[Enzedder]

another oldie - stolen from a joke page to celebrate 6Ns start

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."

[Enzedder]

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Billy T James

[Insane_Homer]

Hitman: Who am I killing?

Dog: Ever hear of a guy named Pavlov?

Hitman: Rings a bell

Dog: That's him

[Jimmy Smallsteps]

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls.

[Jimmy Smallsteps]

German traveler arrives at French airport.

French official asks: Nationality?

Traveler: German.

Official: Occupation?

Traveler: Nein, nein, just on vacation.

[Jimmy Smallsteps]

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a bird and is immediately captivated by a beautiful parrot that's listed at just $50. She turns to the shopkeeper and exclaims: "I just LOVE this beautiful bird! But why so cheap?"

"Ma'am, I have to warn you; this parrot used to live in a brothel so it's 'learned' a thing or two, if you catch my meaning."

"Oh, that doesn't bother me," she replies. "I'll take him!"

The woman takes her new pet home upon entering, the parrot chirps up, "SQUAWK! New madam, nice place!" She was a bit put off at the implication, but figured it might just be temporary until he gets comfortable with her family.

Just then, her two lovely daughters walk in and the bird speaks up again, "SQUAWK! New madam, new girls, nice place!" The girls laughed as their mother explained the bird's sordid previous situation.

Just then her husband came home. The bird bounced on his perch as the man walked through the front door. "SQUAWK! Hi, Keith!"

[Dan54]

Cinco

un
Trois
cinq

'an odd number'

NZer is correct they are not odd numbers but are actually nombre impair.

[Tichtheid]

[Enzedder]

Today I gave the Mrs a taste of her own medicine.

We went into a pub; I looked around, said I didn't like it and moved on to another pub.

We went into a 2nd pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into a 3rd pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into a 4th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into a 5th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into a 6th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into a 7th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into an 8th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

We went into a 9th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.

So we went back to the 1st pub and bought a drink

[Gumboot]

An oldie but goodie by Christopher Hitchens:

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated? Too Mennonite.

[Guy Smiley]

Q
What's your favourite paradox?

Well...

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up...

however, in doing so, he has let you down, thus creating the Astley Paradox.

[Insane_Homer]

[Insane_Homer]

[tabascoboy]

Dad joke bot:

Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.

[Insane_Homer]

[Grandpa]

[GogLais]

Not jokes as such but I’ve catching up with the Bird/Fortune George Parr stuff on YouTube. Brilliant.

[PCPhil]

Not jokes as such but I’ve catching up with the Bird/Fortune George Parr stuff on YouTube. Brilliant.

Ditto. Loved it at the time but it’s even funnier as its mostly come true!

[ASMO]

IMG-20230113-WA0000.jpg (66.34 KiB) Viewed 10041 times

[Enzedder]

^^^^

[tabascoboy]

A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once again he replies: “no, no I haven’t!” and she leans over and gives him a kiss.

Finally, she asks: “have you ever been fucked?”

He says “no, no I haven’t!!” And she says:

“well you are now, the tides coming in!!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks in a public bathroom and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal.

The armless man looks at him and says, ''Could you help me with my zipper please?"

The first man hesitates but says, ''Okay, I guess.'' and helps pull down the zipper.

The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''

''Uhh, well OK..." says the first man.

He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, has many scabs and disgusting yellow pus oozing out.

''Could you point it for me?" asks the armless man.

The first man is repulsed as he holds the putrid dick steady while the armless man finishes peeing.

When he's finished, the armless man says, ''Now could you put it back in?''

''Sure thing.'' says the first man.

He gives the horrible dick a shake and stuffs it back in the armless man's trousers.

"Thank you." says the armless man. ''I really appreciate that.''

''No problem." says the first man. ''But I've got to ask, what the hell is wrong with your dick?"

The other guy suddenly pops his arms out of his jacket and says, "I have no idea but I'm sure as hell not touching it."

[vball]

On FaceBook ... been reading Rikers Beard ... I do like a good pun. Well not all are puns and not all are one liners, but still make me chortle.