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A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What's it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” Then he takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then...” and he says this with a deep sigh...
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

I was in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”
“I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”
She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”
Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

LandOTurk wrote: ↑Wed Jan 20, 2021 12:44 am I was in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”
“I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”
She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”
Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

Funny if true

I walked into a pub when visiting Britain and saw three women having a laugh at table in one corner. Their accents didn’t sound English and fancying a bit of banter, I wandered over and asked: “Would you lassies happen to be from Scotland?”
Their reply was sharp. “Wales, you idiot! Wales!”
“I’m sorry!” I replied, embarrassed at my mistake. “Would you whales happen to be from Scotland?”
Funny, but I don’t recall what happened after that...

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"
"I want a watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Just stand over there in the corner and keep quiet."

What do a woman's boyfriend and her mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of tears.


A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband replies: “Are you crazy ?? I barely know that woman!”


A wife was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Pretend I’m out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!”
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and cracked open a tall, frosty beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, “Where’s my dinner?”
“Huh? I thought you were out of town,” he replied.

A chap went into the local chemist and asked for a jar of Vaseline.

I'm sorry, we don't sell that here. Why don't you try Boots?

I want to slide in, not march in.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

‘Aye matey.’

A thirty-something guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with his mate over a beer.
His mate asks him, "Why aren't you married yet?"

He replies, "Every time I bring a nice girl home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them".

"Then you need to find a girl who is more like your mum, I suppose", his mate replies.

A week later, the two friends are back in the same bar chatting over another beer.

"So I tried your advice and brought this girl who is just like my mum home to meet my parents during the week".

"And how did that go?"

"My father couldn't stand her."

6 of the 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/george-har ... l-collins/

The hilarious prank George Harrison pulled on Phil Collins

What's red and invisible?


No tomatoes.

I wish that was true

Insane_Homer wrote: ↑Tue Mar 09, 2021 1:05 pm

Whats the joke? I can only read half that scrawl.

Openside wrote: ↑Wed Mar 10, 2021 10:21 am Whats the joke? I can only read half that scrawl.

Sorry, you need to read Ed Solomon's threaded tweets for the story.

https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1110 ... 52582.html

Insane_Homer wrote: ↑Wed Mar 10, 2021 10:32 am

Openside wrote: ↑Wed Mar 10, 2021 10:21 am Whats the joke? I can only read half that scrawl.

Sorry, you need to read Ed Solomon's threaded tweets for the story.

https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1110 ... 52582.html

Thanks

The other day I entered a competition and I won a lifetimes supply of Marmite...


























one jar.

Not 'funniest' but worth a chuckle...

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Drunk 1: What time is it?
Drunk 2: I dunno, give me that empty tinny and I'll find out
Drunk 2 throws tinny repeatedly at a wall
House-owner - opens window and yells: Who the fuck is making that racket at 2.30 in the morning???!!!
Drunk 2: It's 2.30 in the morning.

Doctor: What can I do for you?
Patient: I can’t pronounce ‘F’ or ‘TH’
Doctor: Well you can’t say fairer than that

Big Arty was a hit man he had a contract to do a homer for a friend - the price £1.00.
He was to grab the wife in Tesco car park and throttle her.
She was blonde, wore a black beret and a scarlet coat.
He waited till she came out and he quickly dispatched her.
As he was leaving he sighted another female who fitted the description so he dispatched her as well.
Next day’s headlines:
Big Arty Chokes 2 for a £1.00 at Tesco.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are at the back of the crowd watching a street juggler.

The juggler noticed the guys had trouble seeing him so he stands on a large wooden box and shouts, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. “What are you doing?” asks the man.

The tribesman replies, “Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model SUV, traveling at 65 mph.”

“Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” says the Native American. “They ran over me five minutes ago.”

Seen on Twitter:

It was a nce touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they’ll have Prince Andrew buried in a 15 year old Escort?

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19

Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer-15

I noticed a Spider on the living room wall, my Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

Did you know that, 30 years ago, only 45% of men when leaving the house kissed their wife goodbye.

Today, 85% of men when leaving their wife kiss their house goodbye.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

My wife has been that grandmother

Jaysus, some women eh?

Look, if I give you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple "thank you.

None of this "What the hell are you doing in my house?" shit.

Marylandolorian wrote: ↑Thu Apr 22, 2021 1:37 pm "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

I laughed out load at that one. Good work.

I asked the Mrs what she would do if I won lotto.

"Take half and leave you" she replied.

"Great" says I - "I won $24 so here's $12. When are you leaving?"