The Joke Thread
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Insane_Homer
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I went to a Placebo concert last night. Had no effect on me whatsoever.
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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S/Lt_Phillips
- Posts: 516
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:31 pm
The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Left hand down a bit
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Insane_Homer
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- Location: Leafy Surrey
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“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
What does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?S/Lt_Phillips wrote: ↑Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
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S/Lt_Phillips
- Posts: 516
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:31 pm
Yes indeed, if you're from Dundee. I guess it's only funny to the Scots...Grandpa wrote: ↑Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pmWhat does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?S/Lt_Phillips wrote: ↑Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Left hand down a bit
It's funny now I get it...S/Lt_Phillips wrote: ↑Thu Aug 31, 2023 7:24 amYes indeed, if you're from Dundee. I guess it's only funny to the Scots...Grandpa wrote: ↑Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pmWhat does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?S/Lt_Phillips wrote: ↑Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:
Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.
"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
Wilhelm Reich (the inventor of the orgone accumulator) was an interesting, if rather odd, character. He was an Austrian doctor and psychoanalyst, and a follower of Freud. He wrote several influential books, including The Function of the Orgasm (1927) and The Mass Psychology of Fascism (1933). He also established the first sexual advisory clinics in Vienna in the 1930s. His interest in orgasms led to him coining the phrase "orgone energy"—from "orgasm" and "organism"—for the notion of life energy.
Orgone accumulators were actually modified Faraday cages which he claimed would help to concentrate orgone energy. After visiting Albert Einstein he persuaded Einstein to carry out tests on the orgone accumulator, although Einstein concluded that changes in temperature observed in the accumulator were due to the temperature gradient inside the room rather than a concentration of 'orgone energy'.
He was the subject of the 1971 film W.R.: Mysteries of the Organism directed by Dusan Makavejev, which was notorious at the time, and often banned or cut by censors because of its explicit sexual content.
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 6474
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- Location: 曇りの街
Christmas joke:
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"
Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
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Insane_Homer
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“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5389
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”
And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”
That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
Olaf the Viking is shopping in the supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the
front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is
the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole
time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the
front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is
the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole
time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places – he told me to stop going to those places.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.
Two fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals. She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places – he told me to stop going to those places.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.
Two fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals. She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!
I drink and I forget things.
Heard a good one in an interview with a woman who grew up in East Germany...
Man goes to buy a car and State mandated car dealer says, 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man agrees to buy the car, paying in advance. Just before he leaves he asks the dealer, 'Do I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
The dealer responds, 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning'.
Man goes to buy a car and State mandated car dealer says, 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'
The man agrees to buy the car, paying in advance. Just before he leaves he asks the dealer, 'Do I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'
The dealer responds, 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning'.
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 6474
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."
I asked "Are you single?"
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.
.
She replied "I'm a dentist."
I asked "Are you single?"
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She replied "I'm a dentist."
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Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1246
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
- Location: Amerikanuak
I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked,
"How are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she said.
"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.
"No," she replied, I used to have one of my own
"How are you so good at this?"
"Years of practice," she said.
"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.
"No," she replied, I used to have one of my own
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Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1246
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
- Location: Amerikanuak
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has read this entire text.
A man is still looking at his thumb.
The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has read this entire text.
A man is still looking at his thumb.