NPR

Posted: **Fri Jun 02, 2023 4:35 pm**

Not a joke I guess but man goes up to reception at Claridges and asks them to change a £20 note for him. “Sir, in this establishment, a £20 note is change”.

Posted: **Sun Jul 02, 2023 2:49 pm**

Posted: **Fri Jul 21, 2023 5:16 pm**

Posted: **Tue Aug 08, 2023 7:30 am**

What is a 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

Posted: **Sun Aug 13, 2023 5:46 pm**

I went to a Placebo concert last night. Had no effect on me whatsoever.

Posted: **Mon Aug 14, 2023 10:50 am**

Did you hear about the flasher who was about to retire?

He’s decided to stick it out for another year

Posted: **Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am**

The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:

Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.

"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.

Posted: **Tue Aug 22, 2023 5:26 am**

Posted: **Wed Aug 30, 2023 7:42 pm**

: IMG_20230830_204026_384.jpg (40.72 KiB) Viewed 7845 times

Posted: **Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pm**

S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:

Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.

"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.

What does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?

Posted: **Thu Aug 31, 2023 7:24 am**

Grandpa wrote: Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pm
S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:

Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.

"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
What does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?

Yes indeed, if you're from Dundee. I guess it's only funny to the Scots...

Posted: **Thu Aug 31, 2023 9:48 am**

S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Thu Aug 31, 2023 7:24 am
Grandpa wrote: Wed Aug 30, 2023 8:42 pm
S/Lt_Phillips wrote: Fri Aug 18, 2023 5:54 am The sad news of Parkinson's passing reminded me of this:

Parky is about to interview Liz McColgan soon after she won the 10,000 metres world title. Liz walks into the studio, sits in the chair & shuffles around a bit.

"Comfy?" says Parky.
"Fae Dundee" says Liz.
What does Fae Dundee mean? From Dundee? Comfy = Come from?
Yes indeed, if you're from Dundee. I guess it's only funny to the Scots...

It's funny now I get it...

Posted: **Thu Aug 31, 2023 10:40 am**

Sinkers wrote: Tue Aug 22, 2023 5:26 am

Wilhelm Reich (the inventor of the orgone accumulator) was an interesting, if rather odd, character. He was an Austrian doctor and psychoanalyst, and a follower of Freud. He wrote several influential books, including The Function of the Orgasm (1927) and The Mass Psychology of Fascism (1933). He also established the first sexual advisory clinics in Vienna in the 1930s. His interest in orgasms led to him coining the phrase "orgone energy"—from "orgasm" and "organism"—for the notion of life energy.

Orgone accumulators were actually modified Faraday cages which he claimed would help to concentrate orgone energy. After visiting Albert Einstein he persuaded Einstein to carry out tests on the orgone accumulator, although Einstein concluded that changes in temperature observed in the accumulator were due to the temperature gradient inside the room rather than a concentration of 'orgone energy'.

He was the subject of the 1971 film W.R.: Mysteries of the Organism directed by Dusan Makavejev, which was notorious at the time, and often banned or cut by censors because of its explicit sexual content.

Posted: **Thu Aug 31, 2023 10:41 am**

he was also, of course, the subject of Cloudbusting by Kate Bush, a rare occasion where her subject matter was more bonkers than her.

Posted: **Fri Dec 08, 2023 5:35 pm**

Posted: **Tue Dec 19, 2023 11:26 am**

Christmas joke:

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

Posted: **Sat Jan 06, 2024 4:22 pm**

: IMG_20240106_162118_250.jpg (21.65 KiB) Viewed 7356 times

Posted: **Mon Jan 08, 2024 3:31 pm**

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Posted: **Wed Feb 21, 2024 12:46 pm**

Olaf the Viking is shopping in the supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"

"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

Posted: **Wed Mar 27, 2024 8:17 am**

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the
front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is
the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole
time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Posted: **Wed Mar 27, 2024 11:52 am**

Posted: **Thu Apr 04, 2024 1:12 am**

Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places – he told me to stop going to those places.

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.

Two fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals. She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is “Goodbye.”

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!

Posted: **Sat Apr 06, 2024 5:22 am**

Heard a good one in an interview with a woman who grew up in East Germany...

Man goes to buy a car and State mandated car dealer says, 'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man agrees to buy the car, paying in advance. Just before he leaves he asks the dealer, 'Do I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

The dealer responds, 'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning'.

Posted: **Sun Apr 14, 2024 7:33 pm**

Posted: **Mon May 13, 2024 12:16 am**

Posted: **Thu Aug 01, 2024 2:13 am**

I'm going to get into trouble for this, but...

Research shows that most women possess intelligent DNA at some point in their lives.

But...

Most will spit it out.

Posted: **Thu Aug 01, 2024 5:47 am**

What’s Peter Pans favourite place to eat out?

Wendy’s.

Posted: **Thu Aug 01, 2024 11:19 am**

Posted: **Thu Aug 01, 2024 1:04 pm**

Posted: **Mon Sep 23, 2024 8:33 pm**

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."
I asked "Are you single?"
.
.
.
She replied "I'm a dentist."

Posted: **Thu Sep 26, 2024 8:54 pm**

I was getting a hand-job off my new girlfriend when I asked,
"How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she said.

"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.

"No," she replied, I used to have one of my own

Posted: **Wed Oct 02, 2024 8:14 pm**

Not quite a joke, but ...

Posted: **Fri Oct 04, 2024 3:04 pm**

Just had my prostate exam, after the Dr left a few minutes later the nurse came in and said the three words that filled me full of dread..."Who was that?"...

Posted: **Fri Oct 04, 2024 9:21 pm**

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has read this entire text.
A man is still looking at his thumb.

Posted: **Tue Oct 08, 2024 6:46 pm**

Posted: **Sat Oct 12, 2024 10:43 am**

TB63 wrote: Fri Oct 04, 2024 3:04 pm Just had my prostate exam, after the Dr left a few minutes later the nurse came in and said the three words that filled me full of dread..."Who was that?"...

Dread? I'd be excited... so the nurse gets to do it too!

Posted: **Wed Nov 27, 2024 1:29 am**

Posted: **Fri Jan 03, 2025 4:33 pm**

An entrepreneur in the Middle East hast started recycling land mines into prayer mats..

Prophets are going through the roof...

Posted: **Fri Jan 03, 2025 8:58 pm**

I bought a new vinyl, The Sound of Wasps. At first I thought it sounded nothing like them but then realised I was playing the B side.

Posted: **Sun Jan 12, 2025 12:34 pm**

Put all my dogging gear on Ebay today..

No bids yet but 14 people watching...

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