NPR

Bear walks into a bar. Asked for “Gin ............................... and Tonic please”.

“Why the big pause?” asked the barman.

“Don’t know, just born that way” said the bear.

Enzedder wrote: ↑Mon Aug 10, 2020 7:56 am

How did the farmer find a wife?

He tractor down and ploughed her.

The original Saxon name for Nottingham was Snotingaham, but post 1066 the Norman invaders and rulers dropped the initial 'S' and the city is now Nottingham. A similar move to rename Scunthorpe however remains unsuccessful to this day.

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

At that point, the Colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to fuck off."

Enzedder wrote: ↑Tue Aug 11, 2020 4:44 am

.

I saw this and thought I'd share one I heard recently that made me chuckle ... but hesitated as it's a bit of a 'dad joke'. After scrolling through this, however, it seems MOST are dad jokes!

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs in a sports store earlier today. . . .

Doctors said that he should be okay but he’s not out of the woods yet!

In the supermarket today my wife told me I was the laziest man on the planet.


I nearly fell out of the trolley!.

I've got the best doctor around, you know.

They say, "if you're at death's door, he'll pull you through."



©Eric Morecambe

The creator of autocorrect is a massive winker

A visual joke

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie

Donald Trump was visiting an elementary school in Los Angeles and visited a year four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump .

"That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room

First, I got a tattoo on my cervical that said "5"
Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4"
Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3"
After that, I got one on my sacrum that said "2"
And now, I'm getting one on my coccyx that says "1"
It's the spinal countdown.

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazee pilots say to his students?
Watch closely, I'm only going to show you this once!

Can you be stopped for driving 80 miles an hour if you've only been driving for ten minutes?

11 years ago today my pal James came running out shouting “It’s a boy!” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

BnM wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 7:18 pm The creator of autocorrect is a massive winker

Un Pilier wrote: ↑Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:23 am 11 years ago today my pal James came running out shouting “It’s a boy!” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

Haha. A new one for me.

Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian covid 19 vaccine trials held at hospital. I received my first shot at 14:30 yesterday.It’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.

Enzedder wrote: ↑Fri Sep 11, 2020 6:17 am Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian covid 19 vaccine trials held at hospital. I received my first shot at 14:30 yesterday.It’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.

BREAKING NEWS

3 Members of the British Paralympic Wheelchair basketball team have tested positive for WD 40..

My girlfriend told me, "Sex is sooo much better on holiday", which I thought was a really mean thing to put in a postcard.

What has 4 legs and flies?

2 possible answers:

in a rare occurance, two men on the opposite sides of the earth have the exact same thought at the same exact moment.

one was a tightrope walker
the second was a young man getting a blowjob by a 70- year old woman.

and the thought was

"dont look down"

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Your reasoning is a bit off, if men gave birth there'll be only single child families.

average joe wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:53 am Your reasoning is a bit off, if men gave birth there'll be only single child families.

Is that a Two beer Proclamation - or a 4?

TB63 wrote: ↑Fri Sep 11, 2020 7:32 am BREAKING NEWS

3 Members of the British Paralympic Wheelchair basketball team have tested positive for WD 40..

Michael McIntyre on NZ'ers and Australians lol

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words ‘complete’ and ‘finished’ in a way that’s so easy to understand: Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but, there is an explanation.

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE…. And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED….. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are … COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, it was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We are not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked’. Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator’.
Some old men can still think fast!

Enzedder wrote: ↑Thu Oct 01, 2020 2:14 am An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, it was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We are not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked’. Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator’.
Some old men can still think fast!