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The Mistress

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely, stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Mercedes or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. No more Amex platimum card....But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's HIS mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Did you know the word incorrectly is spelt incorrectly in every English dictionary

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one guy, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Six point three metres,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Courtesy of 'Leviathan Wakes'

Girl’s at her own father’s funeral, meets this really cute guy. They talk, hit it off, but he leaves before she can get his number. Girl doesn’t know how to track the guy down. So a week later, she kills her mother...

Please let this be true!

Niegs wrote: ↑Fri Oct 16, 2020 1:19 am Please let this be true!

Just had a painter and decorator round, he’s a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.









He made a lovely job of the landing.

Niegs wrote: ↑Fri Oct 16, 2020 1:19 am Please let this be true!

This one breaks all sorts of PC rules so sorry in advance. Stop reading now if you are easily offended.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee . . .
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for a position in United States Congress . . . Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

The Druid wrote: ↑Wed Nov 04, 2020 2:23 pm

Niegs wrote: ↑Fri Oct 16, 2020 1:19 am Please let this be true!

I saw Jim Davidson live in the mid 80's tell the same story

The All Blacks

/thread


@Asmo u can lock the thread now.

stemoc wrote: ↑Sun Nov 15, 2020 10:47 am The All Blacks

/thread


@Asmo u can lock the thread now.

Wales beg to differ

Q: What's your superpower?

A: Hindsight

Q: That won't help us!

A: I see that now

Insane_Homer wrote: ↑Wed Nov 25, 2020 9:41 am Q: What's your superpower?

A: Hindsight

Q: That won't help us!

A: I see that now

I heard this on the radio on Monday:

A family was having a wake for their father. A man came up to the widow and said that he knew her husband & he'd like to say a word to the crowd. She agreed.

The man walked up to the front of the room & said: "Plethora"

As he walked back down the widow grasped his hand & said: "Thanks, that means a lot".

Here's one I've adapted from a joke I wrote many years ago. Covid 19.

Man goes into a hospital and asks the receptionist nurse if he can see "Fred".

Hum, "Fred".

Yes he was admitted here a couple of days ago, very ill.

Ah. I've found him on our database.

Can I see him?

Oh no. We have strict lockdown procedures in place at this time. Are you a relative?

No. He's just a good friend. May I ask how he is doing?

I'll have a look. Yes he was admitted and we carried out a swab test, which proved positive.

We then did further tests and found he not only had Covid 19 but other infections.

What were they?

Apparently we discovered he had Legionnaires disease, HIV and bubonic plague.

Crikey! How are you treating him?

Hum. I'll have a look. We've got him on a diet of lettuce and plaice.

Has that got some ability to ward off the infections and maybe give him some immunity? I don't think even Donald Trump went on to that regime.

Ah no.

It's the only thing we can get under the door!

Paddy takes his two somewhat threadbare antique stuffed dogs to the antiques roadshow. The expert is pretty excited as they are very rare breeds and asks Paddy "have you any idea what these would fetch if they were in good condition" ?

Paddy replies "Yes! Sticks."

Globus wrote: ↑Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:58 am Here's one I've adapted from a joke I wrote many years ago. Covid 19.

Man goes into a hospital and asks the receptionist nurse if he can see "Fred".

Hum, "Fred".

Yes he was admitted here a couple of days ago, very ill.

Ah. I've found him on our database.

Can I see him?

Oh no. We have strict lockdown procedures in place at this time. Are you a relative?

No. He's just a good friend. May I ask how he is doing?

I'll have a look. Yes he was admitted and we carried out a swab test, which proved positive.

We then did further tests and found he not only had Covid 19 but other infections.

What were they?

Apparently we discovered he had Legionnaires disease, HIV and bubonic plague.

Crikey! How are you treating him?

Hum. I'll have a look. We've got him on a diet of lettuce and plaice.

Has that got some ability to ward off the infections and maybe give him some immunity? I don't think even Donald Trump went on to that regime.

Ah no.

It's the only thing we can get under the door!

You didn't write that.. I've heard that before... What year and what subject?...

TB63 wrote: ↑Wed Nov 25, 2020 1:38 pm

Globus wrote: ↑Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:58 am Here's one I've adapted from a joke I wrote many years ago. Covid 19.

Man goes into a hospital and asks the receptionist nurse if he can see "Fred".

Hum, "Fred".

Yes he was admitted here a couple of days ago, very ill.

Ah. I've found him on our database.

Can I see him?

Oh no. We have strict lockdown procedures in place at this time. Are you a relative?

No. He's just a good friend. May I ask how he is doing?

I'll have a look. Yes he was admitted and we carried out a swab test, which proved positive.

We then did further tests and found he not only had Covid 19 but other infections.

What were they?

Apparently we discovered he had Legionnaires disease, HIV and bubonic plague.

Crikey! How are you treating him?

Hum. I'll have a look. We've got him on a diet of lettuce and plaice.

Has that got some ability to ward off the infections and maybe give him some immunity? I don't think even Donald Trump went on to that regime.

Ah no.

It's the only thing we can get under the door!

You didn't write that.. I've heard that before... What year and what subject?...

Oh well. I did actually and I got a lot of abuse from the Terrence Higgins Trust members as a result.

My "records" don't go back that far. I'm quite happy for you to believe me a liar, just as I've got pretty good idea about your lack of knowledge. Let's leave it at that.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man is behind a woman as they come out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog seemed to be really into the movie. Actually, It seemed that he was sad at some spots, and he seemed to almost smile at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual!?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it VERY unusual … because he hated the book!”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The phone rang in the maternity ward, and an excited voice on the other end said, “This is George Smith, and I’m bringing Martha in – she’s about to have a baby!"

“Calm down,” replied the attendant. “Tell me, is this her first baby?”

“No! This is her husband!”

Speaking of wife jokes - an oldie but a goodie

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Enzedder wrote: ↑Fri Nov 27, 2020 6:05 pm Speaking of wife jokes - an oldie but a goodie

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

I’m wondering whether to go with 13.

A couple were just married, they arrive at the reception desk at their honeymoon hotel.

Do you want the bridal suite?

No. I'll hang on to your ears like I always do.

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"

The Druid wrote: ↑Tue Dec 01, 2020 10:18 pm Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Really peed off
Got back from the doctors and asked her I really would love to lose weight.
She said “ Well Try not to eat anything Fatty “
I replied “ what such as Donna kebabs , Chinese, Indians ? “
She said “ No fatty, don’t eat anything “

lilyw wrote: ↑Wed Nov 25, 2020 10:10 am I heard this on the radio on Monday:

A family was having a wake for their father. A man came up to the widow and said that he knew her husband & he'd like to say a word to the crowd. She agreed.

The man walked up to the front of the room & said: "Plethora"

As he walked back down the widow grasped his hand & said: "Thanks, that means a lot".

Another guy walks in to the same wake, and also approaches the widow, and said that he knew her husband & he'd like to say a word to the crowd. She agreed.

The man walked up to the front of the room & said: "Bargain"

As he walked back down the widow grasped his hand & said: "Thanks, that means a great deal"

The other day I entered a competition and I won a lifetimes supply of Marmite...

Sad news, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine.

She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.

The good news though...

I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine has gone.

Enzedder wrote: ↑Tue Dec 22, 2020 12:16 am Sad news, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine.

She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.

The good news though...

I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine has gone.

Great song at the time. Johnny Nash died October 6, 2020 (aged 80)

Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer. “What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend. “Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked as well! The bitch!”

He turned to the hitman. “How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” asked the friend impatiently.

“Just be patient and wait a moment,” said the hitman calmly. “I think I can save you a thousand dollars here.”

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Ordering a Pizza in 2022
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Welcome to the future