Not really a joke, but I just had to laugh....................a lot.
The Joke Thread
A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
I drink and I forget things.
-
Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5043
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
I was sitting at home the other day when there was a loud knocking at my front door. I opened it to see one of my neighbours stood there with a very angry look about him. He said “I’ve just found your son and my daughter playing “Doctors and Nurses!”
I said “how old is your daughter” to which he replied “eight”; I said “my son’s eight too, it’s no big deal. They’re just normal kids doing normal stuff”
He replied “Normal stuff? Normal stuff? HE’S JUST TAKEN OUT HER FECKING APPENDIX!”
I said “how old is your daughter” to which he replied “eight”; I said “my son’s eight too, it’s no big deal. They’re just normal kids doing normal stuff”
He replied “Normal stuff? Normal stuff? HE’S JUST TAKEN OUT HER FECKING APPENDIX!”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties.
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties.
I drink and I forget things.
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and general bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and general bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
-
Happyhooker
- Posts: 783
- Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:09 pm
Bloody hell, I've been telling that joke for over 30 yearsEnzedder wrote: ↑Mon Aug 02, 2021 6:59 am A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
Sammy Snail saved his money and bought a little sports car. He was so proud of it. Even customized it with a big S on both doors and the bonnet.
Driving around he pulled up to a stop light next to a pair of rabbits in a Corvette, whose driver revved his engine. Sammy responded by revving his own car.
The light changed and Sammy took off like a rocket.
The rabbit driver turned to his passenger and said, "Wow! Did you see that S car go?"
Driving around he pulled up to a stop light next to a pair of rabbits in a Corvette, whose driver revved his engine. Sammy responded by revving his own car.
The light changed and Sammy took off like a rocket.
The rabbit driver turned to his passenger and said, "Wow! Did you see that S car go?"
Getting a Vet bill for a Lab report & Cat scan for £150 - now that's a real jokeThe Druid wrote: ↑Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:41 pm A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"
The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.
Lager & Lime - we don't do cocktails
-
Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1196
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
A police officer called the station on his radio.
“ I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“ Have you arrested the woman?”
“ Nope, the floor’s still wet.”
“ I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“ Have you arrested the woman?”
“ Nope, the floor’s still wet.”
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of assorted sweets.
Then the Off-Licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy.”
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of assorted sweets.
Then the Off-Licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy.”
I drink and I forget things.
My mates new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as he was on his way to see his parents last night, so he called them up and said "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh Steve" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
"Oh Steve" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time"
Shamelessly nicked from PR (nod to danny fitz - and also Saint of this parish, as Search reveals he was a tad too clever, and his reference in the English Rugby Thread went unapplauded)..
The Enya 1st XV are a bit pissed off with their next three fixtures...
The Enya 1st XV are a bit pissed off with their next three fixtures...
Spoiler
Show
Sale (away)
Sale (away)
Sale (away)
Sale (away)
Sale (away)
Crazy Artie decides to rob his local Sainsbury’s. He goes in and hangs around the check-outs. When one of the tills opens he makes a grab for the money. But the till snaps shut and all he gets is a pound coin.
The cashier tries to grab Artie to stop him getting away. So he strangles her in a frenzy, drops her dead body to the floor and runs for the door. Before Artie can get out, a security guard blocks his way. So Artie strangles him to death as well and then bolts. He runs straight into two policemen who arrest him.
Next day in the local paper the headline said:
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY’S”
The cashier tries to grab Artie to stop him getting away. So he strangles her in a frenzy, drops her dead body to the floor and runs for the door. Before Artie can get out, a security guard blocks his way. So Artie strangles him to death as well and then bolts. He runs straight into two policemen who arrest him.
Next day in the local paper the headline said:
“ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY’S”
A young man named John received a parrot as a birthday gift:
Unfortunately the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example but nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
And, the bird yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Eventually, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the fridge freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet.
Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said.
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued....:
"May I ask ……. what did the chicken do ?"
Unfortunately the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example but nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
And, the bird yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Eventually, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the fridge freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet.
Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said.
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behaviour."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued....:
"May I ask ……. what did the chicken do ?"
I drink and I forget things.
