Today I gave the Mrs a taste of her own medicine.
We went into a pub; I looked around, said I didn't like it and moved on to another pub.
We went into a 2nd pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into a 3rd pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into a 4th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into a 5th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into a 6th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into a 7th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into an 8th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
We went into a 9th pub. I didn't like that either so we moved on.
So we went back to the 1st pub and bought a drink
The Joke Thread
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Guy Smiley
- Posts: 4913
- Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 7:52 pm
Q
What's your favourite paradox?
Well...
If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up...
however, in doing so, he has let you down, thus creating the Astley Paradox.
What's your favourite paradox?
Well...
If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up...
however, in doing so, he has let you down, thus creating the Astley Paradox.
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5043
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5043
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
Dad joke bot:
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5043
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
Ditto. Loved it at the time but it’s even funnier as its mostly come true!
“It was a pet, not an animal. It had a name, you don't eat things with names, this is horrific!”
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Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1196
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
Didn’t know them, watched the Admiral, very funny. I’ll watch more sketches for sure.
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach
A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”
He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”
She leans over and gives him a big hug.
“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.
Once again he replies: “no, no I haven’t!” and she leans over and gives him a kiss.
Finally, she asks: “have you ever been fucked?”
He says “no, no I haven’t!!” And she says:
“well you are now, the tides coming in!!”
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A man walks in a public bathroom and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal.
The armless man looks at him and says, ''Could you help me with my zipper please?"
The first man hesitates but says, ''Okay, I guess.'' and helps pull down the zipper.
The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''
''Uhh, well OK..." says the first man.
He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, has many scabs and disgusting yellow pus oozing out.
''Could you point it for me?" asks the armless man.
The first man is repulsed as he holds the putrid dick steady while the armless man finishes peeing.
When he's finished, the armless man says, ''Now could you put it back in?''
''Sure thing.'' says the first man.
He gives the horrible dick a shake and stuffs it back in the armless man's trousers.
"Thank you." says the armless man. ''I really appreciate that.''
''No problem." says the first man. ''But I've got to ask, what the hell is wrong with your dick?"
The other guy suddenly pops his arms out of his jacket and says, "I have no idea but I'm sure as hell not touching it."
A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”
He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”
She leans over and gives him a big hug.
“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.
Once again he replies: “no, no I haven’t!” and she leans over and gives him a kiss.
Finally, she asks: “have you ever been fucked?”
He says “no, no I haven’t!!” And she says:
“well you are now, the tides coming in!!”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks in a public bathroom and sees a man with no arms standing by the urinal.
The armless man looks at him and says, ''Could you help me with my zipper please?"
The first man hesitates but says, ''Okay, I guess.'' and helps pull down the zipper.
The armless man then says, ''Could you take it out for me?''
''Uhh, well OK..." says the first man.
He pulls the armless man's dick out of his pants and sees that it is covered in red bumps, has many scabs and disgusting yellow pus oozing out.
''Could you point it for me?" asks the armless man.
The first man is repulsed as he holds the putrid dick steady while the armless man finishes peeing.
When he's finished, the armless man says, ''Now could you put it back in?''
''Sure thing.'' says the first man.
He gives the horrible dick a shake and stuffs it back in the armless man's trousers.
"Thank you." says the armless man. ''I really appreciate that.''
''No problem." says the first man. ''But I've got to ask, what the hell is wrong with your dick?"
The other guy suddenly pops his arms out of his jacket and says, "I have no idea but I'm sure as hell not touching it."
On FaceBook ... been reading Rikers Beard ... I do like a good pun. Well not all are puns and not all are one liners, but still make me chortle.
Romans said ....Illegitimi non carborundum --- Today we say .. WTF
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Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1196
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
I asked my granddaughter to fetch me a newspaper.
she laughed and said, “ Granddad you are so old, just use my phone.”
That fly on the wall never knew what hit it.
she laughed and said, “ Granddad you are so old, just use my phone.”
That fly on the wall never knew what hit it.
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Happyhooker
- Posts: 783
- Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:09 pm
My new favourite bad joke
Instead of reading, I've started ripping the pages out of books and brewing them with water. The ink creates a hallucogenic drink which makes me able to live as the characters.
It's pretty cool, but the novel tea soon wears off.
Instead of reading, I've started ripping the pages out of books and brewing them with water. The ink creates a hallucogenic drink which makes me able to live as the characters.
It's pretty cool, but the novel tea soon wears off.
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
Spent hours grilling a chicken yesterday, bastard still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you". "OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?". "Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops.”
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
A woman walks into a butcher's just before closing and asks, "Do you still have chicken?"
The butcher opens his deep freezer, takes out the only chicken left and puts it on the scale, and it weighed 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scale and asked, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one?"
The butcher puts his only chicken back into the freezer, and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scale; he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan and the scale now showed 2 kg
"That's wonderful," said the woman. "I'll take both chickens, please!"
The butcher opens his deep freezer, takes out the only chicken left and puts it on the scale, and it weighed 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scale and asked, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one?"
The butcher puts his only chicken back into the freezer, and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scale; he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan and the scale now showed 2 kg
"That's wonderful," said the woman. "I'll take both chickens, please!"
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tabascoboy
- Posts: 5932
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:22 am
- Location: 曇りの街
Just saw a TV in a store with a sticker “Built In Wi-Fi”
That's really exact, most just say Made in China
ngl works better verbally
That's really exact, most just say Made in China
ngl works better verbally