The Joke Thread
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5389
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
A Stockton lad is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Lad: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Lad: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
Chris: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Lad: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Lad: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Lad: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Lad: I may be mental Chris but I'm no grass.
I drink and I forget things.
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Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1246
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
- Location: Amerikanuak
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
An oldie but a goodie
From The Rolls Royce Staff Magazine
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
I drink and I forget things.
A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, " £100.?
He replies, "All I've got is thirty quid."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty quid" ??
"Only a hand job," the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and so she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy (much bigger than her husband's).
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "Hang on, I'll be right back.."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, " £100.?
He replies, "All I've got is thirty quid."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty quid" ??
"Only a hand job," the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and so she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy (much bigger than her husband's).
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "Hang on, I'll be right back.."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"
Courtesy of Simon Mayo:
This guy decides to play a practical joke on his wife and buys her a glue stick instead of lipstick.
She must have been really upset because she didn't speak to him for a week.
Then she decides to get him back and glue his deck of playing cards together.
So he left her because he just couldn't deal with it anymore
This guy decides to play a practical joke on his wife and buys her a glue stick instead of lipstick.
She must have been really upset because she didn't speak to him for a week.
Then she decides to get him back and glue his deck of playing cards together.
So he left her because he just couldn't deal with it anymore
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls.
I drink and I forget things.
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel....
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (Gin and Tonic, cucumber sandwiches Etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You simply must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is absolutely boundless"
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall, and covered in huge ugly warts.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new Commanding Officer all about yourself, there's a good chap"
"Well, Sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..............."
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the Commanding Officer can find all that out for himself from your file....
"Tell him about that day you told the witch doctor to get fucked"
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (Gin and Tonic, cucumber sandwiches Etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You simply must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is absolutely boundless"
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new Commanding Officer, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall, and covered in huge ugly warts.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new Commanding Officer all about yourself, there's a good chap"
"Well, Sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the Regiment, and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..............."
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the Commanding Officer can find all that out for himself from your file....
"Tell him about that day you told the witch doctor to get fucked"
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5389
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
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I drink and I forget things.
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FalseBayFC
- Posts: 3554
- Joined: Sun Aug 30, 2020 3:19 pm
Those of you who listened to the wireless in 1981 will appreciate this one.
- Attachments
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- 262403047_10159384317048830_8625076095092195536_n.jpg (35.19 KiB) Viewed 3575 times
At the local Hospital :
Doctor, “What is this?"
Me “This is a book that I’ve written, it’s got 500 pages."
Doctor, “You wrote 500 pages. What did you write about then?” Me, On the first page I wrote “One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.
And on the last page I wrote The King reached the Jungle."
Doctor, “So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Me, “I wrote,
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
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Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
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Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
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tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
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Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
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tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik...
Doctor, (stunned) "AND what's all that????!!!!!"
Me, “That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?"
“I will post it on my NPR Joke page ! My mad friends there will definitely read it...they're all idiots, in fact one of them is reading it even as I speak!”
Doctor, “What is this?"
Me “This is a book that I’ve written, it’s got 500 pages."
Doctor, “You wrote 500 pages. What did you write about then?” Me, On the first page I wrote “One day a King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.
And on the last page I wrote The King reached the Jungle."
Doctor, “So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Me, “I wrote,
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik...
Doctor, (stunned) "AND what's all that????!!!!!"
Me, “That's the sound of the Horse running...The hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "AND Who will read your story?"
“I will post it on my NPR Joke page ! My mad friends there will definitely read it...they're all idiots, in fact one of them is reading it even as I speak!”
I drink and I forget things.
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Marylandolorian
- Posts: 1246
- Joined: Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:47 pm
- Location: Amerikanuak
German traveler arrives at French airport.
French official asks: Nationality?
Traveler: German.
Official: Occupation?
Traveler: Nein, nein, just on vacation.
French official asks: Nationality?
Traveler: German.
Official: Occupation?
Traveler: Nein, nein, just on vacation.
A woman walks into a pet store looking for a bird and is immediately captivated by a beautiful parrot that's listed at just $50. She turns to the shopkeeper and exclaims: "I just LOVE this beautiful bird! But why so cheap?"
"Ma'am, I have to warn you; this parrot used to live in a brothel so it's 'learned' a thing or two, if you catch my meaning."
"Oh, that doesn't bother me," she replies. "I'll take him!"
The woman takes her new pet home upon entering, the parrot chirps up, "SQUAWK! New madam, nice place!" She was a bit put off at the implication, but figured it might just be temporary until he gets comfortable with her family.
Just then, her two lovely daughters walk in and the bird speaks up again, "SQUAWK! New madam, new girls, nice place!" The girls laughed as their mother explained the bird's sordid previous situation.
Just then her husband came home. The bird bounced on his perch as the man walked through the front door. "SQUAWK! Hi, Keith!"
"Ma'am, I have to warn you; this parrot used to live in a brothel so it's 'learned' a thing or two, if you catch my meaning."
"Oh, that doesn't bother me," she replies. "I'll take him!"
The woman takes her new pet home upon entering, the parrot chirps up, "SQUAWK! New madam, nice place!" She was a bit put off at the implication, but figured it might just be temporary until he gets comfortable with her family.
Just then, her two lovely daughters walk in and the bird speaks up again, "SQUAWK! New madam, new girls, nice place!" The girls laughed as their mother explained the bird's sordid previous situation.
Just then her husband came home. The bird bounced on his perch as the man walked through the front door. "SQUAWK! Hi, Keith!"
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Oh fuck, it's Keith.
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:06 pm
What a fucking scumbag that parrot was 
Have we had Barry Cryer's parrot in the freezer joke?
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Oh fuck, it's Keith.
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:06 pm
A man owns a parrot that can't stop swearing.
So he says to him, 'If you don't stop swearing, I'll put you in the fridge.'
The parrot keeps on swearing. So he puts it in the fridge.
Five minutes later, he takes the parrot out of the fridge, and says to it, 'Are you going to stop swearing?'
'Yes,' says the parrot. 'But what did that chicken do?'
RIP Barry Cryer
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Happyhooker
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:09 pm
The archbishop of Canterbury one does me every time.
On phone, so can't be arsed to type it out
On phone, so can't be arsed to type it out
Husband and wife walking down the street
W - that looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury
H - he does indeed
W - go and ask him them
Does so and comes back
W - well is it him?
H - he told me to fuck off
W - oh that's a shame, we'll never know now
W - that looks like the Archbishop of Canterbury
H - he does indeed
W - go and ask him them
Does so and comes back
W - well is it him?
H - he told me to fuck off
W - oh that's a shame, we'll never know now
another oldie - stolen from a joke page to celebrate 6Ns start
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."
I drink and I forget things.
A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Billy T James
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Billy T James
I drink and I forget things.
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Insane_Homer
- Posts: 5389
- Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:14 pm
- Location: Leafy Surrey
Hitman: Who am I killing?
Dog: Ever hear of a guy named Pavlov?
Hitman: Rings a bell
Dog: That's him
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”
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Jimmy Smallsteps
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:24 pm
- Location: Auckland
Enzedder wrote: ↑Tue Nov 23, 2021 6:37 am A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls.
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Jimmy Smallsteps
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:24 pm
- Location: Auckland
Marylandolorian wrote: ↑Fri Jan 21, 2022 8:36 pm German traveler arrives at French airport.
French official asks: Nationality?
Traveler: German.
Official: Occupation?
Traveler: Nein, nein, just on vacation.
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Jimmy Smallsteps
- Posts: 914
- Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:24 pm
- Location: Auckland
Niegs wrote: ↑Sun Jan 30, 2022 6:28 pm A woman walks into a pet store looking for a bird and is immediately captivated by a beautiful parrot that's listed at just $50. She turns to the shopkeeper and exclaims: "I just LOVE this beautiful bird! But why so cheap?"
"Ma'am, I have to warn you; this parrot used to live in a brothel so it's 'learned' a thing or two, if you catch my meaning."
"Oh, that doesn't bother me," she replies. "I'll take him!"
The woman takes her new pet home upon entering, the parrot chirps up, "SQUAWK! New madam, nice place!" She was a bit put off at the implication, but figured it might just be temporary until he gets comfortable with her family.
Just then, her two lovely daughters walk in and the bird speaks up again, "SQUAWK! New madam, new girls, nice place!" The girls laughed as their mother explained the bird's sordid previous situation.
Just then her husband came home. The bird bounced on his perch as the man walked through the front door. "SQUAWK! Hi, Keith!"
